Votes For Sale

What Santa didn’t give you a politician will.

The political party Isamaaliit (Fatherland Union) unveiled its campaign promise to provide every secondary school graduate in Estonia with a new laptop computer. In addition to Fatherland’s promise, both the Reform Party and the Centre Party launched advertising campaigns this week: “Better pensions for everyone” (Reform) and “Rich state, better salary” (Centre). It seems we’re all going to get rich together. Stinkin’ rich.

And since there’s so much money to go around—and since all Estonian roads are well-maintained, health care is top-notch, and there’s zero crime—we’ve thought of some nice gift items Estonian politicians might provide:

1. An Augusta Golf & Country Club membership for every doctor in Estonia.
2. A Porsche 911 Targa for every policeman in Estonia—perhaps with blue-black-white flag-themed driving suit.
3. A John Deere 9020 four-wheel drive tractor with air-conditioned cab and surround-sound stereo system for every Estonian farmer.
4. Ten cases of vodka for the three guys who hang out near the post office in Misso.
5. A new house for City Paper’s editor, since some citizen bored with his prosperity tried to burn it down.

Feel free to post your ideas in our City Paper forum. We’ll make sure to forward them to the politicians who make our dreams come true.